Oh no he didn't!.com

So, as a follow up to my post earlier this week regarding online dating I've been sorta lurking around match.com tonight deciding whether or not to unhide my year old profile - just checking out the selection, ya know? Well, anyways, who do I see but The Russian! Yes. That disaster. Apparently he is single and looking. In fact he has been active on his profile within the last 3 days. The problem is he has been "in a relationship" since September. And, by the looks of it (of course I stalk!) it seems to be a fairly serious "I love you" situation.

Now, I like to always give people the benefit of the doubt, so maybe to save money (he was unemployed if you remember) he chose the 6 month option. Not only is it cheaper per month, but you get the 6 month guarantee if you don't find true love. (I wish every guy came with a warranty like that!) But, I mean honestly. He may have been an ass, but he's relatively intelligent, and you would think that he would hide his profile, or at least not go on it after he finds a girlfriend. This is such a red light!

Reminds me of a few weeks ago when my friends were looking at the girls on match.com and just happened upon our one girl friend who has been married for about a year and a half - "separated and looking for fun" - too bad her husband has no idea that they are "separated". My one friend was so embarassed for her that she called her immediately and told her to remove the profile and to stop being such a trashy whore. Honestly, if you are going to cheat on your significant other/husband, please use craigslist, or something a little more discreet.

I mean, I'm not friends with The Russian's girlfriend, (I don't even know her) but I feel bad for her. What if one of her BFFs or even a sister is looking for a man and comes across her bf advertising himself as available?! Poor girl. Now, that's all I'm gonna say about this because I'm 99% sure one of my readers/fellow bloggers is friends with this guy and I really don't want to start drama or hurt any feelings.

Something like this just really really makes me question whether I'll ever find a guy who isn't a piece of shit slime ball.

BTW, I did end up signing up. At least for the 3 day trial, because I found two normal looking guys. I have 3 business days to cancel my membership if they don't "wink back." Oh my life is sad.

♥ Miss Fabulous

One more thing...

In honor of the outgoing year I've made a list of all my dating (or not so much dating but ya know...) disasters...complete with a brief one line summation of something I really wanted to say to them but never did. A fairwell of sorts. Out with the old, in with the new!

• The Human Smooshmortion: I don't mean to be controversial here, but your length was such that I didn't even need a pap smear this year - in fact you may have actually ripped my uterus out one night which might explain why you abruptly stopped calling me - I would like it back please, along with the two months of my life I wasted on you.
  
• Youngstown: I knew it was a bad idea to try to relive our past relationship, but sometimes bad feels so good - I still miss you.
  
• The Cousin (not mine!): I wish I wouldn't have taken you to that Cavs game - what a waste of money.
  
• East 4th: You are the slimiest creep I have ever met - but the sex was mind blowing - will you marry me?
• Airforce: I'm glad we got to celebrate your recent divorce - I'm not saying goodbye to you, you are my friend for life.
• The Russian: I'm sorry I didn't become your next tattoo - actually I'm not - but at least you have that dent in your car to remember me by.
  
• Prius: I'm sorry I wasn't into you, you are a great guy and I wish you the best.
  
• Monday Night Football: I will never forget the night the Browns beat the Giants - I couldn't walk for days - thank you for that.
  
• Donald Trump: I'm really not sure why, but I thought I really liked you, I now think maybe I should get my head checked - also you should maybe think about coming out of any closets you may/may not be hiding in - just sayin'.
• Sweet 16: I personally think it's normal and expected to have sex with the first person you ever had sex with 10 years later just to see how much we have learned - not that I would ever date you again...ever...as it seems that I have matured in these past 10 years and you have not.
  
• Florida: I wish you didn't live in Florida.

What a sad list! I certainly need to raise the bar in 2009. Hope everyone has a fabulous NYE!!

♥ Miss Fabulous

The worst setup experience of my life...

As my weekend winds down, Florida returns home, and my immune system battles the first cold I've had since May I wish to entertain you (hopefully) with the story of The Russian, who was the worst set up date I've ever experienced.

(Rewind back to late August/early September....) My friend called me one night super excited because her and her bf had just had an epiphany that I would be great for their "super cute" and very single friend. Enter The Russian. She suggested a double date at SouthSide in Tremont. Being one of my favorite places to be I quickly agreed. The Russian was indeed very good looking. He was very Russian (as if you couldn't already tell) as in he had a very euro look to him...even though he was technically American.

So, we all enjoyed a few bottles of wine and some great food at SouthSide and decided to get after dinner drinks at the Treehouse. I quickly noticed that my date seemed to be out drinking me 3:1. (That's a conservative estimate.) Before I knew it my friend and her bf were saying their goodbyes but insisted that The Russian and I stay out. I had driven with my friend, but alas The Russian had also driven and he so kindly offered to drive me back to my car that I had left at my friend's.

I decided to stick it out (poor choice #1). The Russian turned out to be quite a talker. In the next 30 minutes I learned that my date was not only Russian, but was also an atheist, a libertarian, and had two tattoos on his back that he "didn't want to talk about." Now, none of these things are really a deal breaker. Granted, I tend to be much more moderate in my values and beliefs but I don't automatically write people off because of theirs... However, this was our very first date... and it was really awkward to be discussing such things like religion, politics and crazy ex gf tattoos on our very first date/meeting ever.

Note: I forgot to mention that he was also unemployed at the time. (To his credit he was "actively looking" and did pay for our entire date even when I offered to buy an after dinner drink, but still I thought you might enjoy that nugget of information.)

Desperately trying to end the evening quickly after he told me I was pretty much crazy for believing in God (Note: I did not judge his beliefs at all) I suggested we leave. As I noticed him stumbling out the door I asked him if I should drive. He said no, and since it was a 5 minute drive (admittedly a stupid idea - #2) I get in the car. As he is trying to maneuver himself out of his parallel parking spot I am shocked to feel the car back right into something. I look and am horrified to see that we have hit a telephone pole. He looks to see that we just hit a pole (as opposed to another car or a person) and we pull away as if nothing happened.

Safely pulled up next to my car he makes it known that he doesn't want our lovely night to end as he proceeds to kiss me. I let him kiss me, but I did quickly retreat to my car.

Actually, the kiss was amazing. Like amazing in that it should be illegal to kiss that well. That's why against all better judgment I let him take me out again 2 days later (poor choice #3). We ended up back at SouthSide because he told me we were going to Lola but as he called me pre-date to iron things out I found out he didn't have reservations. Who doesn't know that you need reservations for nice restaurants on Friday nights?! The date was uneventful - except for the heated debates that he dragged me into regarding more of the same (Read: politics, religion, etc...)

After dinner and not wanting him to get drunk before attempting to drive me all the way home I suggest we grab a couple bottles of wine from the store and chill at my place. I was pretty much over this guy except I was still very attracted to him physically and I was giving my friend's usually good judgment a chance. Overwhelmed by his euro charm I ended up sleeping with him (poor choice #4) and let's just say that the sex was good but very rough. So rough that the hoo-ha became slightly injured. To spare you from TMI let's just say that sometimes during very rough sex, especially during a marathon session or multiple sessions, I have at times (2 to be exact) experienced a tear in a certain area that creates a very bloody and painful situation. Not really a tear per se, but it really looks like someone sliced me with a knife. (Maybe a better name for The Russian would be Razor Dick?)

Anyways, I felt horrible and tried to explain the situation but I thought he got grossed out, until a few minutes later when he asked me if it was cool to go again. Are you serious? He didn't understand that Britney was broken. It had just taken me 5 minutes to get it to stop bleeding and get some neosporin up in there. Instead of being genuinely concerned for the wound he inflicted on me he was actually annoyed that I couldn't have another go with him.

When I stopped by to see his place a couple days later after a Labor Day barbeque (bad idea #5) he wanted to have sex and I told him no because I was still healing. Hasn't this guy ever gotten a cut? Anyways, I never heard from him again. Actually that's a lie. I saw him a month later. He was tailgating pre-Browns game at Bob Golic's with his gf, whom according to facebook he's been "in a relationship" with since a week after our date. Her vagina is obviously made out of steel. Appropriately enough her hair looks like steel wool. Not that I'm jealous b/c she can have him, his razor dick and dented car.

Note: Just so you know this story represents some of the behaviors I am trying to change. I regret a lot about this situation after the first date. (Most everything except for the kiss.) Oh, and just so everyone can sleep well tonight Britney made her comeback and all is well.
♥ Miss Fabulous