Tuesday, December 30, 2008

And the winner is...

I had a lot to choose from but if I had to pick just one winner for Mr. Dating Disaster 2008 it would have to be UVA. UVA wasn't even a dating disaster per se, but merely a one night hook up disaster. However, the impact of his disaster lasted for about a week and caused more trauma than most.

I met UVA at a softball tourney at the University of Virginia. He was actually the roomate of one of my teamates brought along to be an extra in case we needed him. He was not that cute at first, but after a night of partying in Virginia bars I didn't stop him when he wanted to make out with me. He actually ended up in my bed b/c his roomate was busy with my roomate in their room. Making out was fun. He seemed to have an ear fetish and I thought nothing of it. He just loved to kiss and suck on my ears. It was strange, but I was too drunk to even care.

The next morning we got up at the crack of dawn to get suited up for our long day of softball games and as I pulled my hair back my friend who was sharing the bathroom mirror with me was like "wtf is wrong with your ears?" My ear lobes were both so incredibly black and blue. I've never seen anything like it ever in my life. I mean, I had EAR HICKEYS. Seriously? Who does that? Hickeys in general are unacceptable in my book let alone on my freakin' ears! Worst part was that I can't exactly play softball with my long hair flying everywhere. My friend (God bless her soul) tried to help me cover it up with some concealer (I know it usually doesn't help, but I had to do something!). They were black and blue on both sides! and EVERYONE noticed. I almost felt bad for UVA b/c the guys were just ripping him apart.

I really wish I had taken pictures but at the time I was just so mortified. I could wait to get back to the hotel that night and pull my hair down and over my poor ears. The black and blue ears lasted for a whole week when we got home, and the humiliation will last a lifetime.

Needless to say I never talked to that boy again. I saw him a couple times at school functions he attended with his roomate and I just had so much anger bottled up inside I felt like it would be better for his health if I just avoided him.

So congratulations Mr. Ear Sucker, you just won the prized award of this year.

Happy New Year everyone!

Miss Fabulous

One more thing...

In honor of the outgoing year I've made a list of all my dating (or not so much dating but ya know...) disasters...complete with a brief one line summation of something I really wanted to say to them but never did. A fairwell of sorts. Out with the old, in with the new!
  • The Human Smooshmortion: I don't mean to be controversial here, but your length was such that I didn't even need a pap smear this year - in fact you may have actually ripped my uterus out one night which might explain why you abruptly stopped calling me - I would like it back please, along with the two months of my life I wasted on you.
  • Youngstown: I knew it was a bad idea to try to relive our past relationship, but sometimes bad feels so good - I still miss you.
  • The Cousin (not mine!): I wish I wouldn't have taken you to that Cavs game - what a waste of money.
  • East 4th: You are the slimiest creep I have ever met - but the sex was mind blowing - will you marry me?
  • Airforce: I'm glad we got to celebrate your recent divorce - I'm not saying goodbye to you, you are my friend for life.
  • The Russian: I'm sorry I didn't become your next tattoo - actually I'm not - but at least you have that dent in your car to remember me by.
  • Prius: I'm sorry I wasn't into you, you are a great guy and I wish you the best.
  • Monday Night Football: I will never forget the night the Browns beat the Giants - I couldn't walk for days - thank you for that.
  • Donald Trump: I'm really not sure why, but I thought I really liked you, I now think maybe I should get my head checked - also you should maybe think about coming out of any closets you may/may not be hiding in - just sayin'.
  • Sweet 16: I personally think it's normal and expected to have sex with the first person you ever had sex with 10 years later just to see how much we have learned - not that I would ever date you again...ever...as it seems that I have matured in these past 10 years and you have not.
  • Florida: I wish you didn't live in Florida.
What a sad list! I certainly need to raise the bar in 2009. Hope everyone has a fabulous NYE!!

Miss Fabulous

Monday, December 29, 2008


While I lay on my couch trying to conserve all available energy strictly for rhinovirus recovery so that I can hit the dating scene (aka makeout scene) hard on NYE I am throughouly amused by MTV's new series starring Brody Jenner cleverly entitled "Brmance." I must add that I am also very much amused by Mr. Jenner himself. Isn't he delicious? I don't care if he's a douchebag nobody who lucked out with a gig in reality TV. (Perhaps my apparent affinity for dbags is the overall problem in my life.)

Back to reality... no guy news to share except for a few random friendly texts from Florida. All the hot guys in the world must sense the unattractrive snotty misery that is my life right now. I'm sure they'll start calling tomorrow. Until then...
Miss Fabulous

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Flavored condoms?

I don't know how I left this out of my first post regarding Donald Trump, but the first time we had sex at his place he whipped out flavored condoms. This is the same guy who was incredibly boring and bad in bed. I made some sort of joke about them and he said that he grabs them off of bachelorette party goers out at the bar. (Was he serious?) But, anyways... flavored condoms?

One thing I should be up front about is that I always use condoms unless I'm in a committed relationship (See: my life over 3 years ago). I'm on nuva ring too because of its hormonal benefits and because I don't want to get pregnant right now under any circumstance. (This should be obvious based on the kinds of guys I date.) But, condoms are a MUST b/c STDs are totally not fabulous at all. **End PSA**

Anyways, I'm going to be honest - the flavored condoms freaked me out a bit. I mean, I know they are probably just as safe, but the idea is strange. Also, I prefer just the bare bones plain kind b/c I get recurrent UTIs and things like flavors and spremicides tend to trigger them. I mean I could even understand the flavored condoms if he was younger, but for a 27 year old man? It just doesn't make sense. Note: Just in case you are wondering I must add that I know for a fact that his affinity for flavored condoms was not in any way connected to the fact that he might actually want to go down on me after and enjoy the taste for himself. Because, he didn't. Not once.
Miss Fabulous

The worst setup experience of my life...

As my weekend winds down, Florida returns home, and my immune system battles the first cold I've had since May I wish to entertain you (hopefully) with the story of The Russian, who was the worst set up date I've ever experienced.

(Rewind back to late August/early September....) My friend called me one night super excited because her and her bf had just had an epiphany that I would be great for their "super cute" and very single friend. Enter The Russian. She suggested a double date at SouthSide in Tremont. Being one of my favorite places to be I quickly agreed. The Russian was indeed very good looking. He was very Russian (as if you couldn't already tell) as in he had a very euro look to him...even though he was technically American.

So, we all enjoyed a few bottles of wine and some great food at SouthSide and decided to get after dinner drinks at the Treehouse. I quickly noticed that my date seemed to be out drinking me 3:1. (That's a conservative estimate.) Before I knew it my friend and her bf were saying their goodbyes but insisted that The Russian and I stay out. I had driven with my friend, but alas The Russian had also driven and he so kindly offered to drive me back to my car that I had left at my friend's.

I decided to stick it out (poor choice #1). The Russian turned out to be quite a talker. In the next 30 minutes I learned that my date was not only Russian, but was also an atheist, a libertarian, and had two tattoos on his back that he "didn't want to talk about." Now, none of these things are really a deal breaker. Granted, I tend to be much more moderate in my values and beliefs but I don't automatically write people off because of theirs... However, this was our very first date... and it was really awkward to be discussing such things like religion, politics and crazy ex gf tattoos on our very first date/meeting ever.

Note: I forgot to mention that he was also unemployed at the time. (To his credit he was "actively looking" and did pay for our entire date even when I offered to buy an after dinner drink, but still I thought you might enjoy that nugget of information.)

Desperately trying to end the evening quickly after he told me I was pretty much crazy for believing in God (Note: I did not judge his beliefs at all) I suggested we leave. As I noticed him stumbling out the door I asked him if I should drive. He said no, and since it was a 5 minute drive (admittedly a stupid idea - #2) I get in the car. As he is trying to maneuver himself out of his parallel parking spot I am shocked to feel the car back right into something. I look and am horrified to see that we have hit a telephone pole. He looks to see that we just hit a pole (as opposed to another car or a person) and we pull away as if nothing happened.

Safely pulled up next to my car he makes it known that he doesn't want our lovely night to end as he proceeds to kiss me. I let him kiss me, but I did quickly retreat to my car.

Actually, the kiss was amazing. Like amazing in that it should be illegal to kiss that well. That's why against all better judgment I let him take me out again 2 days later (poor choice #3). We ended up back at SouthSide because he told me we were going to Lola but as he called me pre-date to iron things out I found out he didn't have reservations. Who doesn't know that you need reservations for nice restaurants on Friday nights?! The date was uneventful - except for the heated debates that he dragged me into regarding more of the same (Read: politics, religion, etc...)

After dinner and not wanting him to get drunk before attempting to drive me all the way home I suggest we grab a couple bottles of wine from the store and chill at my place. I was pretty much over this guy except I was still very attracted to him physically and I was giving my friend's usually good judgment a chance. Overwhelmed by his euro charm I ended up sleeping with him (poor choice #4) and let's just say that the sex was good but very rough. So rough that the hoo-ha became slightly injured. To spare you from TMI let's just say that sometimes during very rough sex, especially during a marathon session or multiple sessions, I have at times (2 to be exact) experienced a tear in a certain area that creates a very bloody and painful situation. Not really a tear per se, but it really looks like someone sliced me with a knife. (Maybe a better name for The Russian would be Razor Dick?)

Anyways, I felt horrible and tried to explain the situation but I thought he got grossed out, until a few minutes later when he asked me if it was cool to go again. Are you serious? He didn't understand that Britney was broken. It had just taken me 5 minutes to get it to stop bleeding and get some neosporin up in there. Instead of being genuinely concerned for the wound he inflicted on me he was actually annoyed that I couldn't have another go with him.

When I stopped by to see his place a couple days later after a Labor Day barbeque (bad idea #5) he wanted to have sex and I told him no because I was still healing. Hasn't this guy ever gotten a cut? Anyways, I never heard from him again. Actually that's a lie. I saw him a month later. He was tailgating pre-Browns game at Bob Golic's with his gf, whom according to facebook he's been "in a relationship" with since a week after our date. Her vagina is obviously made out of steel. Appropriately enough her hair looks like steel wool. Not that I'm jealous b/c she can have him, his razor dick and dented car.

Note: Just so you know this story represents some of the behaviors I am trying to change. I regret a lot about this situation after the first date. (Most everything except for the kiss.) Oh, and just so everyone can sleep well tonight Britney made her comeback and all is well.
♥ Miss Fabulous

Saturday, December 27, 2008

"I knew I would meet someone I like up here."

Well, I had a great date with Florida last night. This should be obvious because of the fact that he lives in Florida. We ate sushi and drank wine and then went a couple doors down to see his friend who was "spinning records." His friends were cool, of course we realized we had friends in common (this town is way small) and after a few shots and a few vodka sodas I ended up spending the night with him in his hotel. (Disclaimer - while I am trying to avoid this type of behavior I figure he doesn't really count because he lives in Florida.) We even got breakfast this morning and he pretended not to notice that I am apparently coming down with a cold and my nose would not stop running. He says he knew he would meet someone up here that he liked and he's sorry he's not staying longer. I'm just relieved that I'm capable of going on a good date and having fun and carrying a good conversation. (I was worried about some of these things post Donald Trump.)

In unrelated news, one of my oldest and dearest friends/childhood crush turned random hookups (who incidentally my BFF thinks, for various reasons I'm destined to marry) who I'll call Airforce is home for the Holidays and wants to hang out. Of course he does. Looks like I'm going to have a busy week. I hope this cold goes away quickly.
Miss Fabulous

Friday, December 26, 2008

The Sunshine State

Christmas Eve Eve in Cleveland was an icy weather disaster that almost put an early end to my pre-Christmas celebration. (Read: drunken foolishness with my friends) However, I put on my boots and slid my way to the bar. We went to Around the Corner, a classy neighborhood drinking establishment in hopes of socializing with a college break crowd. Instead I ended up meeting two guys, slightly older and home for the Holidays named Florida and California respectively for obvious reasons. I'm not sure if it was the Christmas Ale or what but Florida seemed somewhat cute and datable, so when he asked me out to dinner tonight I didn't even hesitate. Sure, he will be traveling back to his southern habitat in a matter of days, but I could use the practice. Besides, in the two days since we've met he's already been a better communicator than Donald Trump was over the course of two months. I'm not sure yet where we're going, but if he knows what is good for him it'll be a classy place and he will be a perfect gentleman. **UPDATE: Incoming text from Florida says Sushi Rock.** This guy is perfect. Of course he lives in Flordia I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.
Miss Fabulous

Either you're gay or I'm just a whore...

So, for the past two months I've been seeing someone who I shall refer to as Donald Trump. Donald Trump evidently has a lot of money, and likes to talk about it. This should have been a red flag, but besides that he was great on paper. He had a good job, good hygiene, Italian, Catholic, fairly attractive, etc. I met him at a party through mutual friends while highly intoxicated. Like usual I ended up taking him home and figured he would be just another poor choice to forget. But, he asked for my number and called me a couple days later to set up a date. The problem was the date was a wedding 4 weeks in the future. (Was this warning sign number 2?!) Put on the spot I agreed to go after confirming that the wedding was not a family wedding (I've gotten into that mess before). In the meantime we went out a few times. He was not much of a communication guy, but I was quick to forgive because when we did spend time together we had fun, and he liked to hang out with me in a fully clothed state, and this is rare.

Anyways, the sex was bad - like super bad in a I thought it really would get better and never did sorta bad. He was boring and when I tried to spice things up he acted annoyed and looked at me like no straight man would look at a girl in such a situation.
As the weeks went by and his hot/cold tendencies proved to be more cold than hot I couldn't understand why this guy who seemingly had no interest in sleeping with me, and no interest in making an emotional connection with me would still even make a half assed effort to talk to me. And then it really made me question whether he was having issues with his sexuality, or if I was being too much of a whore. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a very sexual person, but I've never found this to be a problem, at least as far as random hookups were concerned. Is it possible to be too slutty for a real relationship? I mean, we're not talking about anything freaky, but just a healthy sexual energy. On the other hand, he was very defensive when his friends joked about his sexuality after he spent $1500 on a Versace blazer on Black Friday, and he was super uncomfortable when discussing his Mom, who is a lesbian and has a life partner. (Red flags??)

Last week
Donald Trump apparently decided he was over it. Of course I'm just speculating based on the 6 hours it took him to respond to my last text, and the lame excuse he gave for not wanting to hang out. I have to point out that this was the first time in 3 years and a whole list of guys that I was even considering settling down and getting involved in a relationship. I really did like him, or at least the idea of him. I also really felt like I had lowered my standards, and had come to peace with it. (This may be why I'm trying to make him gay to explain away the surprise rejection.) This disaster has since inspired me to give up some of my crazy party girl habits and take a different approach to dating. I'm going to try to go on a lot of dates and do things the right way. I think I need a lot of practice. This should get interesting. Lucky you.
Miss Fabulous