Sunday, December 28, 2008

The worst setup experience of my life...

As my weekend winds down, Florida returns home, and my immune system battles the first cold I've had since May I wish to entertain you (hopefully) with the story of The Russian, who was the worst set up date I've ever experienced.

(Rewind back to late August/early September....) My friend called me one night super excited because her and her bf had just had an epiphany that I would be great for their "super cute" and very single friend. Enter The Russian. She suggested a double date at SouthSide in Tremont. Being one of my favorite places to be I quickly agreed. The Russian was indeed very good looking. He was very Russian (as if you couldn't already tell) as in he had a very euro look to him...even though he was technically American.

So, we all enjoyed a few bottles of wine and some great food at SouthSide and decided to get after dinner drinks at the Treehouse. I quickly noticed that my date seemed to be out drinking me 3:1. (That's a conservative estimate.) Before I knew it my friend and her bf were saying their goodbyes but insisted that The Russian and I stay out. I had driven with my friend, but alas The Russian had also driven and he so kindly offered to drive me back to my car that I had left at my friend's.

I decided to stick it out (poor choice #1). The Russian turned out to be quite a talker. In the next 30 minutes I learned that my date was not only Russian, but was also an atheist, a libertarian, and had two tattoos on his back that he "didn't want to talk about." Now, none of these things are really a deal breaker. Granted, I tend to be much more moderate in my values and beliefs but I don't automatically write people off because of theirs... However, this was our very first date... and it was really awkward to be discussing such things like religion, politics and crazy ex gf tattoos on our very first date/meeting ever.

Note: I forgot to mention that he was also unemployed at the time. (To his credit he was "actively looking" and did pay for our entire date even when I offered to buy an after dinner drink, but still I thought you might enjoy that nugget of information.)

Desperately trying to end the evening quickly after he told me I was pretty much crazy for believing in God (Note: I did not judge his beliefs at all) I suggested we leave. As I noticed him stumbling out the door I asked him if I should drive. He said no, and since it was a 5 minute drive (admittedly a stupid idea - #2) I get in the car. As he is trying to maneuver himself out of his parallel parking spot I am shocked to feel the car back right into something. I look and am horrified to see that we have hit a telephone pole. He looks to see that we just hit a pole (as opposed to another car or a person) and we pull away as if nothing happened.

Safely pulled up next to my car he makes it known that he doesn't want our lovely night to end as he proceeds to kiss me. I let him kiss me, but I did quickly retreat to my car.

Actually, the kiss was amazing. Like amazing in that it should be illegal to kiss that well. That's why against all better judgment I let him take me out again 2 days later (poor choice #3). We ended up back at SouthSide because he told me we were going to Lola but as he called me pre-date to iron things out I found out he didn't have reservations. Who doesn't know that you need reservations for nice restaurants on Friday nights?! The date was uneventful - except for the heated debates that he dragged me into regarding more of the same (Read: politics, religion, etc...)

After dinner and not wanting him to get drunk before attempting to drive me all the way home I suggest we grab a couple bottles of wine from the store and chill at my place. I was pretty much over this guy except I was still very attracted to him physically and I was giving my friend's usually good judgment a chance. Overwhelmed by his euro charm I ended up sleeping with him (poor choice #4) and let's just say that the sex was good but very rough. So rough that the hoo-ha became slightly injured. To spare you from TMI let's just say that sometimes during very rough sex, especially during a marathon session or multiple sessions, I have at times (2 to be exact) experienced a tear in a certain area that creates a very bloody and painful situation. Not really a tear per se, but it really looks like someone sliced me with a knife. (Maybe a better name for The Russian would be Razor Dick?)

Anyways, I felt horrible and tried to explain the situation but I thought he got grossed out, until a few minutes later when he asked me if it was cool to go again. Are you serious? He didn't understand that Britney was broken. It had just taken me 5 minutes to get it to stop bleeding and get some neosporin up in there. Instead of being genuinely concerned for the wound he inflicted on me he was actually annoyed that I couldn't have another go with him.

When I stopped by to see his place a couple days later after a Labor Day barbeque (bad idea #5) he wanted to have sex and I told him no because I was still healing. Hasn't this guy ever gotten a cut? Anyways, I never heard from him again. Actually that's a lie. I saw him a month later. He was tailgating pre-Browns game at Bob Golic's with his gf, whom according to facebook he's been "in a relationship" with since a week after our date. Her vagina is obviously made out of steel. Appropriately enough her hair looks like steel wool. Not that I'm jealous b/c she can have him, his razor dick and dented car.

Note: Just so you know this story represents some of the behaviors I am trying to change. I regret a lot about this situation after the first date. (Most everything except for the kiss.) Oh, and just so everyone can sleep well tonight Britney made her comeback and all is well.
♥ Miss Fabulous

1 comment:

  1. LoL Razor Dick. Lol that’s a funny description and yes I have to agree with you that, that dude was not considerate at all.